upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
