Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
