in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
