You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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