she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
