I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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