it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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