My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
