I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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