When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I pour the whiskey from now on
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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