i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
