Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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