I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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