I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
