I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
