I could make wine with my vomit
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
