There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
