I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
