Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
May the power of my ass compel you!!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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