My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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