your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
