I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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