She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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