1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
