she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
