i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
