So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
