I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
