just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
