Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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