respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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