I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
