if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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