youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
