Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
