I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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