so that wasnt chicken after all
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
