an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
