i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
