i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
