Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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