well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Randomize
