drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You are the jesus of drinking
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
