I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
