I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
