my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
