Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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