HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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