Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
