yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
