Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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